When Things Don’t Turn Out How I’ve Expected or Planned

Hopes and dreams as a young girl of a life filled with love, children, a caring husband and success.

That’s was me.

I remember very few happy moments of my childhood. One being of my dad buying us friday treats and me being the excited little girl who waited eagerly at the window to watch him walk up the pathway with Simba chips in his hands. The joy in simple pleasures.

Another being the carefree child who played outdoors with my brother’s. Riding bikes, flying kites and climbing trees. My dad made us feel brave and like we could do anything.

I also recall a few of the painful memorie. Memories of an abusive father, who turned to alcohol almost every day. It was dreadful to hear the words, ” dad is coming home” I remember the beatings for the smallest mistakes like breaking a cup or watering nail polish. Even as a teenager in high school I was subjected to a belting where it left me in pain and my body bared the scars. It got so bad that I prayed for God to take him away from us. The abuse my mum suffered both verbally and physically was unbearable to watch as a child .

The most question I often asked was, why didn’t she leave. Being a school teacher, she should have known better.

All I wanted for my life was to find love, have a loving family and live happily ever after. Quite the fairytale. I never asked for anything else.

The naive me thought I was going to marry the first person I loved or dated. Boy did I have a lot of learning to do. The love I wanted found its way to me and by the age of 21 I got married and I promise you, I was the happiest bride.

The happiest bride because I had found love and because I was out of my dad’s house. I no longer had to endure his now verbal abuse.

My mum eventually divorced my dad and he passed away in his early 50’s . If believe the shock of divorce and a broken heart left him a broken man.

My fairytale married life was beautiful. We worked really hard as a couple to build businesses and to build a really beautiful home. We travelled often and enjoyed the many blessings life gave us. My twins were born 2 years later after marriage and became my life.

This beautiful life fell apart suddenly. Without notice, without warning. It was ripped apart. We divorced after 12 years of marriage and this event changed my life forever. The life I planned, hoped for and envisioned was over.

Depression took over and I stopped believing in God. I blamed God for turning my world upside down.

Today after 12 years of being divorced, I still look back and the many unanswered questions leave me feeling sad and disappointed.

Life has been good and life has been really tough. As a single mother, I had to deal with my depression and also put on a brave face for my children. I have failed in many areas but I have also triumphed in raising two beautiful humans.

I now believe God has his plan and I walk with his grace and mercy. One day at a time is my mantra.

There are many like me, who have been through similar trials. I salute single mums. You are strength personified.

Life has not turned out as I planned and each day brings its own troubles and blessings. I believe it’s important to recognise the emotions we go through and to deal with it , release it and heal.

Recognise what makes you sad , angry, disappointed, scared and upset. Write it down , acknowledge the emotions then forgive yourself and others . Release this by handing it over to God or burning it.

I still believe in love and all things magical. My inspiration comes from my life story. If I can make a positive difference in at least one life, then I have done well.

People in our lives play different roles and I have found that no one truly knows me. I still yearn for that love i dreamt of. I’m human after all. It would be so good to have that one person but for now If I need to have a heart to heart with anyone, I go to Him.

God will walk with us , if we allow him in.

I wish you enough. 🙏 Enough love ❤️ enough peace🌺

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